Communication 101: The Class You Missed In School
5 Super Simple Steps for Better Communication
You might have actually had a Communication 101 class in school, but it was probably media related or the basics of public speaking. I did not have such a class nor do I remember anyone sitting me down and telling me how to have a productive, healthy conversation with someone. I was not taught how to tell someone I was upset or how to listen to someone express a need. Earlier in my life that meant I was reactive and not the best listener or communicator.
Like me, you probably learned how to express yourself by observing your family members, friend’s families and even TV families. In my case when someone was upset there tended to be a whole bunch of silence. In my best friend’s family, there was a lot of screaming (which really freaked me out).
How we communicate with our spouses, partners, colleagues, employers, employees, and friends is the result of modeling and also tightly tied to our self-esteem: How we hear someone say something can unconsciously trigger our inner critic and leads to us to behave in ways that we don’t always feel good about. Our life experiences, how we understand ourselves and our ability to be vulnerable and express ourselves can lead to positive and negative outcomes.
What would it be like if you started to do things in a different way? Here are 5 Super Simple Ways to start improving your relationships and communicating in a healthier way.
1. This might seem obvious.
You might be right. In fact, it could be totally irritating that I am even saying it. Thinking, why am I reading this blog only to be told something I already know? Thing is, you might know it, but there is a big chance you aren’t actually practicing it. Listen!
When we engage in conversation with others we often make assumptions about what they are going to say. If we have any built up resentment toward the other person, our assumptions will tend toward the negative. We then start to formulate our response
while that person is still talking to us – that means YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!!! Focus on what the person is saying to you…and then…
2. In other words…
“I think what I heard you say is…” If you have been to therapy before or watched a movie or tv show that had a counseling session in it – chances are you have heard the therapist say “I think what I heard you say is…” Which is then followed by a paraphrase of some, all or none of what was just said.
Why? Because it works!
Repeating back our interpretation of someone else’s thoughts helps clarify things. Sometimes we hear things correctly.
Meaning through our own filters we actually heard what the other person was laying down for us.
More often, however, we have either gotten only part of it right or in manyBl cases, we have completely misinterpreted what the other person said.
So, just keep asking the person to re-explain what they said until they confirm that you actually heard what they said!
3. This happens a lot…
While agreeing feels great, frankly, you don’t have to agree.
You just have to listen and validate!
What does this mean exactly?
I like to remind clients that 80-90% of the time you don’t have to actually agree with what the other person is saying – whether it is your partner, your spouse, your friend, your employee, your manager, or a colleague.
Unless it is a moral/ethical issue or matter of life or death – our agreement is simply not important.
Telling someone why what they said makes sense to you is a validation, not an agreement. It allows the other person to feel heard. To be cheesy, I think that is where the magic of communication happens!
Validating someone’s experience is one of the best tools you can use to negotiate difficult conversations: It will lead to better communication and calmer relationships whether they be personal or work related.
4. It is natural to want to complain about what is bothering us…
And then blame someone or something for whatever that is. Unconsciously, we want to assign an outward, rather than inward, reason we are not happy.
This is the very definition of the blame game.
The thing is, blaming comes across as a personal attack and will put the other person on the defensive. Again, our go to way of communicating is about survival and most of us were not taught how to consciously communicate.
Blame: “It’s your fault we didn’t meet the deadline.” OR “You are so lazy, you never mow the lawn when you say you will.”
Not Blame: “I am really disappointed we didn’t meet the deadline. We have another deadline next week and I am wondering how we can change things so that we meet it this next time.”
“I am embarrassed that the lawn is so tall. I would appreciate it if you mow the lawn tomorrow because it makes me feel like we both care about the house.”
Think before you speak…are you playing the blame game?
5. Talking about a specific, current behavior or situation can help minimize a reactive or negative response when you are expressing a complaint.
You might have a laundry list of things that have bothered you over the years…
However, to drag out a list of 10 things that happened when you first got married or started a job, 5 to 10 years ago, is probably going to be a recipe for disaster.
Old resentments are definitely important, they tend to build upon one another, but listing them all or even a small portion of them each time you get mad about something is a sure way to have the other person stop, you got it, listening to you! Why?
The other person is going to feel like even if they try to make things better, chances are
you won’t ever let them forget about prior wrong doings. Think about it this way – what if you didn’t remember to pick something up at the grocery store in 2010 and in 2021 your spouse brings it back up when you forgot to water the lawn? Is that helpful to you or is it just going to provoke you?
Focusing on what is happening now allows for the focus to be about just that and provides less of a chance for an argument, miscommunication, and/or hurt feelings.